There are few things more discomforting than coming home from work to see the light on your answering machine flashing and pressing the "play" button only to hear that a lawyer from a multi-billion dollar corporation wants you to call him regarding "problems with your web site!" It's not like I just threw the web page together either and cast my fates to the wind. I actually sought legal advice from the UAW, ACLU and a lawyer acquaintance to boot before I went public with the site. I was told of copyrighted logos, slogans and color schemes and I carefully avoided treading into those territories. Unfortunately, my conscientious efforts at staying out of those sacred realms does not seem to be enough to satisfy the legal eagles of FedEx. Read on and then tell me 2,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean really isn't a "good start" as the joke punch line goes!
To be fair, the lawyers were polite, and the one who made the initial contact with me was downright cordial. When he first called me without his associate, he made it clear that there was no objection to the written content on the site, and that it was simply a matter of FedEx protecting its trademarks. Initially, all he asked for was removal of the logo and I promptly changed it. Unfortunately, the next day (today) when he called back and left a second message on my machine, he was in the company of a less friendly lawyer who I suppose was the real trademark "expert" on their staff. It was during my second conversation with Memphis that I received the laundry list of my transgressions.
First off, FedEx's corporate colors are purple and orange, right? Wrong! Apparently *any* combination of colors in the entire spectral range lie within the legal grasp of FedEx. Even though my logo consisted of blue and pale yellow letters *and* were done in gradient, which means they were a combination of literally hundreds of colors, just the mere fact that they were different colors was enough to whet the legal eagles' appetites!
Next came the fact that although I called the tracker image a "Super Duper Tracker," it was too close to what FedEx calls its trackers sooo... Getting the picture yet?
Then there was the matter of the white vans! It seems that images of white vans, regardless of the color of the lettering on them, are all somehow protected property of FedEx. Still with me? Hang on, it gets better!
It seems that since the words "absolutely" and "positively" are part of a slogan that FedEx coined and subsequently copyrighted, patented, or whatever it did to lay claim to the slogan, daring to use those two words together while referencing FedEx is absolutely (oops!) verboten! Think you've heard it all by now? Wrong again! Here comes the ultimate capper!
One of the two lawyers who were speaking to me (they had me on a speaker phone) said that FedEx had applied for legal protection of some sort for the phrase "fed up!" Not merely content with taking "absolutely" and "positively" off the market of free expression, FedEx has apparently reached out for more words to add to the prohibited list!
When I mentioned the fact that I had seen tee shirts at a major department store chain which used "Fed Up." the company colors and the sacrosanct "absolutely, positively," word combination, I was assured by the legal eagles that FedEx had already picked the carcass of that poor shirt maker clean - all in the nicest possible legal terms of course....
The ironic thing about all this is the hypocrisy involved. I'd be willing to bet my very last dollar that these same corporate legal eagles were aghast and angered by the case where that old woman was scalded by hot coffee and sued the bejesus out of McDonald's for daring to serve coffee that hot. Being the conservative I am, I too thought that case was a travesty of justice and indicative of just how screwed up our legal system has become. Someone smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day for 40 years and then sues the tobacco companies because he finally succumbs to illness or cancer as a result of his own choice to smoke! Nowadays, everybody is looking for someone rich to sue! I'd bet these same FedEx legal eagles have had to fend off some equally frivolous lawsuits people have brought against the company for things like grossly exaggerated repercussions due to packages being late, damaged or lost while in FedEx's hands. Yet, here they are, mimicking the same kind of behavior which, were the tables turned, they'd be condemning!
At this point in time, I have no idea what's next on the agenda. It looks as though I'll have to consult in earnest with union lawyers to find out just how far my right to freedom of expression has been reigned in by corporate America. Makes me wonder if Andy Warhol was sued by the Campbell's Soup Company or Marilyn Monroe's estate......?
In the meantime, as you can see, the old logo is gone, the generic tracker is now even more generic, and the white vans with multicolored lettering have been expunged from the site. The lawyers asked me to take the web page down for a few days while they consider the matter further. I told them that I would remove the items they found questionable but I would not take down the site at the very time when it is getting its initial exposure on the Internet's search engines. Since they found no problem with the content of the site, and since they have only "applied" for protection of the phrase "fed up," I felt that by making the necessary alterations to the site's graphics and logos, I had been as accommodating as I could short of pulling the plug entirely on the site.
In the meantime, the lawyers told me they were also trying to get in contact with the folks at "Yahoo." I don't know if this means that they'll force "Yahoo" and perhaps other search engines to drop my listing or not. They were not specific on their intentions there. I hope it's just to get "Yahoo" to drop the "absolutely, positively," part of the site description, but this may very well be wishful thinking. In any case, if FedEx does decide to come after me legally, I suspect they'll be sorely disappointed when all they wind up with is a 13 year old car and a 140 year old shack that needs a new roof.....
The other day I logged onto another web page dedicated to sharing information amongst FedEx workers who have concerns about the company only to find that site was down! I didn't attach anything sinister to the incident until now.....